Being OUT

Being OUT

(this news item posted on February.04.2007)

There are a lot of different questions that people ask me when I tell them I'm polyamorous. One of the ones that really sets me to thinking is the one that goes something like "Yeah but, aren't you afraid people are going to find out?"

The answer has to be a fairly obvious no. I've written an autobiographical book, much of which is about polyamory, and published it on line. I then write two novels with polyamory as a central feature. Anyone who asks me about my relationships in any way that requires me to bring up the subject gets an honest answer. So, apparently... no, I'm not afraid people are going to find out.

That's not the part that requires much thinking. The part that I often think about for hours afterwards is 'Why do so many people think I'm supposed to be afraid that people are going to find out?'

I suppose that's all easy for me to say. Most of my close family --my maternal grandparents and my mother-- have passed away and that frees me from worry about "What is my family going to think?" I have a forgetful uncle that I'm pretty close to who is always asking me questions about "my girlfriend" which prompt me to ask "Which girlfriend?". I've revealed to him that I'm polyamorous enough times to make up for not having a large immediate family.

But before not having a lot of close living family members even becomes a factor, the real heart of the matter is that my mother taught me not to do things that I'd be ashamed or embarrased about or didn't have a good reason for doing. And so I've gotten used to being able to easily and explain and talk about all of my life choices. Having taught me that, she then became very accepting of whatever the actual choices were that I made in life. I have no doubt that if she'd have still been alive and I'd have brought Heather home to her and introduced her to my new polyamorous girlfriend she'd have responded with "As long as that's what makes you happy." And a year later if I'd have told her "Hey mom, I'm becomming polyamorous myself now." she'd have responded with "That's fine if that's what makes you happy." She'd have been needling me for grandkids along the way probably, but that's the basic jist of how it would go.

So, I am comfortable with my decisions. I'm secure in the knowledge that my loved ones are or would have been comfortable with my decisions. So, who else am I supposed to be afraid of finding out? I've told my coworkers. I would tell my boss if the topic ever came up. I've told people I felt would be completely comfortable with it and weren't and I've told deeply religious Christian types who I've expected would wig out (some of whom haven't). I basically can't find anybody to be afraid of.

It's very liberating. Where it harms none and makes you happy, do what thou wilt.

----
This journal entry was inspired by having --on a whim-- decided to type out the story of meeting Heather on the UUPA listserve. And then someone on the listserve suggested that I should submit it to Polyamorous Percolations to be published. And I said sure. And I did so. And now, there it is for the whole world to see. And the editor asked me what I wanted to use as an alias or a pen name, and that question boggled my mind for a second. Like "Hey, that was some good writing. What, you think I don't want to take credit for it?"

I like having difficulty relating to fear of consequences. Liberating. That's how we eventually get free; we remove the smelly buckets of festering consequences from above one another's heads.

I'm With the Band

I'm With the Band...

(this news item posted on January.21.2007)

Is it storytelling time again? Already? Yay!

Last weekend I was telling this story to my girlfriends around the breakfast table and it was kind of fun to tell and pretty meaningful.

---

The year was 1990 or thereabouts. I was a student at Buffalo State college. A computer major. And some of my computer major friends had a band. With two drummers. But that part's not important.

The part that's important is that they somehow lost thier lead singer. And I overheard them talking about looking for a new lead singer. I used to sing Michael Hutchense (INXS) songs in my car really loud and fantasize about them making a video of me and all that. I mean EVERYBODY imagines they could be the lead singer if they just got the right lucky break. Y'know.

So I asked my friends if they would let me try out as lead singer for their band. They looked surprised, and asked me... "Can you sing?" Well, DUH. I Mean, can't everybody?!?! I told them I surely could sing and how do I go about becoming their new lead singer. So they gave me a casette tape with four songs on it and told me to memorize the lyrics by friday night. Then meet them at the church where they rehearse.

So, you should know that memorization is generally no problem for me. There were two Tom Petty songs, a song by Rush and a song that I don't remember who it was sung by. I memorized all four by Friday. I still remember most of the lyrics. And, I actually just remembered the fourth song was by Tesla. But that's not important.

What was important was that I TOTALLY SUCKED. I was so terrified. OMG! So, so, so, so scared. It sent me into extreeme anxiety just to even walk onto the stage, let alone speak into the microphone. I froze. Often. I forgot the lyrics every two lines or so. I couldn't sing any louder than whisper quiet. I was afraid someone might hear me. Man it was awful. They tried every trick they could think of to relax me, give me every opportunity, hope the night wouldn't be a total loss. They asked me to sing songs I knew a bit better and they'd impprovise the music. I tried singing some INXS songs, but I blanked on all those lyrics too. In a last ditch effort they asked me to rap. I tried that too. No good. I officially sucked. Sucked bad. That part was significant.

I decided that I had learned an important lesson about reality. That certain things seem easy until you do them. And that not everyone was cut out to be on stage or speak into microphones. Singing should be left to the professions. Sure, you never know unless you try... but I had tried and failed miserably, and I could know forevermore that I had given my 15 minutes of fame a shot and was glad to have tried at and learned that it's just not what I was cut out for.

The End.

---

And oh what a difference 17 years makes.

Some of you know that I do a little rap thing now and again these days. I do performance poetry. On stages. In front of audiences. Sometimes into microphones. Not that I always need microphones cause I can get loud on my own. I remember a TON of lyrics. Kinda like lyrics on demand. And I've been having fun with that for a couple years now.

BUT... I hadn't really had any occasion to rap over live music before. I've always wanted to. But the opportunity never really arose.

Enter, Paul Z. He's a guitar guy at my church. He does an annual music service for our church. I've seen it once. It's good stuff.

So, I've been a member of the UU Church of Buffalo for about 4 years now. I've performed in my church for events that have been held there, but I've never actually been before the church to perform for the congregation or anything.

One special event held at my church --happened last summer-- was a benefit for the WNY Peace Center, and a bunch of people from my church were there and saw me do my thing. And Paul Z --who I knew a little bit because he had bought my book and talked about it with me a bit-- came up and reminded me that he does an annual thing performing for a sunday service and all that. He said "Let's do something with Hip Hop. Would you be interested?"

So, like, he was serious. And now all of a sudden there are these rehersals. And I'm rapping and everything... except now there's this band and stuff. And they're all really kick ass musicians. And last week was our first rehearsal, and today was our second, and both times we've really blown up the spot.

Usually, performing for me, it's all about the message. Someone gives me a microphone and an audience and I'm not going to waste it. I'm going to hit them with the most carefully considered lyrics I could come up with and infuse it with passion and hope with my most solemn hope that it will lead to someone thinking of something in some new way... inspire someone to do something, get active, start helping.

This feels kind of different. It feels much more like showing off. It's kind of like this... I've already written the lyrics. They are what they are. The message can't help but shine through. I can relax now. Not worry about that part. It's all taken care of. Instead, I can relax and feel the power of music cradling my voice. I feel very much like a modern day Michael Hutchence. I'll be rappin, like 'Damn! The kid is bringing the hot heat!'

If at first you don't succeed I guess. Y'know.

Thanks for listening.

The end, again.

---

The Church of Hip Hop will be happening at the UU church of Buffalo, 695 Elmwood (at West Ferry) on Sunday March 18th at 10:30am

Then in April I will be performing at the Lizzard Ball

And in June (probably) I will be performing at BeatFest 2007.

Good times.

Time and time again...

Time and time again...

(this news item posted on January.09.2007)

As the Year changes on the calendar, so too does everything about my life.

One month ago I was compelled to work 12 hour days, and I was producing a weekly radio show. Heather and I each had a general awareness of some love eminating from the other human form in the bed, but we barely had time to share a meal and exchange a "Hey, How was your day?" before the daily grind would begin again.

Now, one month later everything has changed. The strike has ended at work and it's a struggle to even find 2 hours of real work to do at work. The radio station just up and poofed one day and there is no radio show, no interviews to conduct, no hours of mixing and editing, nada. I have a whole and unbroken 3 day weekend every week instead of spending Saturdays in a radio station Studio.

So, now I'm trying to negotiate the change of pace. Dedicating some time to my relationships with Heather and Beth was a given. We've been figuring a lot of stuff out. Sharing a lot of smiles. Heather has been making big moves in her endeavors as one of the foremost Natural Family Preservationists since the Allison Quets story splashed all over the headlines. Watching her and assisting her with that's been a really worthwhile way to spend some time. I've been looking out at my world wide web landscape, the unkempt array of domain names that look like an overgrown garden. I've been doing a bit of internet pruning here and there. And, of course, I've been making my way back to my writing.

The Problem With Earthlings. It's not a very large book at all. But it sure is taking a long time to write. I'm almost gunshy about tapping the keys on it again. Every time I've really developed a head of steam and gotten momentum on it I end up with a 12 hour workday or a weekly radio show or some such commitment or distraction.

Anyway, I should probably stop writing about writing and start writing.

...

...later. When I'm more well rested.

*yawn*

An Open Letter to Young Women

An Open Letter to Young Women

(this news item posted on December.30.2006)

An Open Letter to Young Women,

Recently, the Allison Quets story has been all over the news. Briefly, Allison Quets is a woman who lost her children to adoption in spite of the fact that she emphatically changed her mind within 24 hours and has spent more than a year and $400,000 dollars trying to get them back. If, in the face of all that, she was unable to get her children back, what hope do people who don't have that much resolve and a life's savings of $400,000 have against the adoption industry?

I write this letter because I have seen people that I care about very deeply be irreparably harmed by the Adoption Industry. It would seem that there are no easy answers or perfect solutions when it comes to women's fertility issues and reproductive rights. It is a very volatile, contentious and emotional subject. It is not the intention of this letter to berate adoptive parents or stand in judgement of young women who have made an informed decision to place their child for adoption. Rather, it is my hope that this letter will provide useful information for young women who are or may become sexually active and/or pregnant.

A Marketdata Enterprises industry analysis of Adoption Services in 2001 placed a $1.4 billion value on adoption services in the US, with a projected annual growth rate of 11.5%.

It is safe to say that there are a lot of people who profit from adoption. In the United States, couples have demonstrated a willingness to pay anywhere from $1,000 to the more typical $10,000 on up to $50,000 to secure a child. Now that the United States awards a tax credit of $10,000 per adopted child, much of this is even done with the money of the average U.S. citizen.

In 1972, as a result of the Roe vs. Wade decision legalizing abortion there was a sharp decline in the availability of healthy Caucasian infants. The growing adoption industry attempted to compensate for this loss in several ways. One way was to expand their efforts in the area of international adoptions. Another was to redouble their efforts to separate mothers who were on the fence about adoption from their children.

Adoption Industry professionals have a number of coercive and insidious tactics at their disposal. They have a great deal of money that the government takes from everyone and gives to them, giving them very deep pockets. And they have very slick public relations and media campaigns that attempt to make adoption look like a beneficent perfect solution that harms no one.

Don't believe it.

One of the first things you should know is that if you are pregnant and confused and running out of options and you see anything like an advertisement that offers young pregnant women free room and board while they get their lives together, this is probably TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Young women taking advantage of such offers are finding themselves under extreme pressure to either surrender their baby for adoption or pay back the cost of their "free" room and board.

Another very important thing to be aware of is that the Adoption Industry needs you to sign relinquishment papers and there have been cases where industry professionals will do almost anything to get you to sign. Please be prepared and know what to do BEFORE you are in the vulnerable state of just having delivered a baby. You have the legal right to insist that anyone who is bothering you be forced to leave your hospital room. And if any person refuses to observe that right, you have a moral obligation to refuse to stop screaming at the top of your lungs until they leave you in peace (using whatever language you deem necessary for the situation).

Next you should know that if you have signed relinquishment papers, there may be state laws that allow you a grace period to change your mind.

You should also know that many adoption industry professionals may attempt to entice you with the lure of "open adoption" --they will tell you that you can still visit your child and be a part of their life. Please know that "open adoption" arrangements are almost never enforceable and in a great many of the cases the adoptive parents change their mind (sometimes leaving the mother unable to contact their child EVER).

Most importantly you should know that many natural mothers report prolonged physical, psychological and physiological effects long after losing a child to adoption. And regardless of what anyone may tell you, many children placed for adoption suffer prolonged physical, psychological and physiological effects after losing parent(s) to adoption.

In the New Year, as you're filling out mySpace bulletins and passing on chain letters and having other assorted fun on the internet... please also take time to pass this information on to anyone you feel it may be of use to. Please feel free to change it, put it in your own words or add links and so on.

Peace and Love,
-Alex Mead, a friend of a friend


Here are some links to more information:
www.theadoptionshow.com
www.OriginsUSA.org
www.exiledmothers.com
Adoptese MSN Group

Being 36

Being 36

(this news item posted on December.16.2006)

A coworker of mine and I just had birthdays. He was turning 26 as I was turning 36. We were discussing getting older and he told me that he felt like having a rate reduction on his auto insurance by turning 26 was the last age related thing to look forward to in life and that it was probably going to be all downhill from here.

Well, at age 36 I've aged out of my anual pigramige to Opus in August. That's no fun. I don't have any auto insurance so, consequently, I have no idea what turning 36 does to it. It's true enough that most positive age related events seem to have stopped a long time ago. I guess I can run for President now. Regardless, I don't know that I've ever had a more positive outlook on my own personal future. I tried to explain that to him.

Whenever I want to convey a message, my tendency is to try to tell a story. That's what I do, I'm a story teller. I conjured a story where the 36 year old me could travel back and try to tell the me of 6 years ago about the future. I have no doubt that the 6 years ago me would have looked at me like I was speaking nonsense.

"Well, you see, the new president you have is going to be one of your absolute least favorite presidents of your entire lifetime. He's going to use a climate of fear --created by an event that'll happen in about a year-- to trample Civil Liberties, not just in the USA, but in any nation where it can be gotten away with. This stock market buble that's beginning to burst is REALLY going to burst, because it's about to be discovered that one of the big 5 accounting firms on Wall Street has been helping most of it's major clients to cheat on their homework. Yep next year is going to be a big one for corporate crime: Worldcom, Enron, Tyco, Adelphia, Global Crossing, Quest, and the list goes on. All those folks have been misleading their investors and sums of money that you can't even begin to fathom are about to be lost on Wall Street. Despite the economic upheaval this will cause, the Bush administration, at the behest of their corporate paymasters, will still push through staggering tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, ballon the Pentagon budget up to 450 Billion (with a B), in order to start two major wars for oil, and --believe it or not-- make the situation in the middle east even worse. At the same time they're going to start destroying the environment faster than ever, and replace the Public Education system you're used to with memorization, standardized tests, and big corporate charter schools. Mr. "I'm a uniter not a divider" will then steal another election in 2004, and push through some "Help America Vote Act" which will threaten to steal elections in into the future indefinitely. Most Americans will become very suspicious of corporations and millitarism, but the corporate media will make sure that at any given time these suspicious Americans won't be able to help but feel they're in the minority. Congress will push through sweeping bankruptsy and credit reforms which will push even more corporate power up to the already powerful international banks, and the middle class will be saddled with more debt than anything your lifetime up-till-now has prepared you for. You'll learn all about how the adoption industry is pretty much just baby-trafficing, and upper middle income families will be encouraged to buy babies from all the nations we'll be devastating with 'shock and awe'. So many people you know and love will be alone and isolated, deep in dept, denied access to continuing education, and some, stuck in cycles of medicated depression."

"BUT, don't worry about all that, you'll have two totally wonderful girlfriends, AND all of the chaos will give you plenty to write about as you'll be a self-published author many times over. Oh, AND you'll be a performer... at age 33 you'll suddenly decide to start rapping in public and people are really gonna dig it. AND you'll be building community with some really amazing activists that you have yet to meet. And, Oh by the way, you'll be a manual laborer making a lot of money crossing a strike-action picket line and throwing big heavy tires. You'll be totally buff, in the best shape of your life, and lots of really fantastic women will find you attractive and be great friends to you. And you'll even have long hair again. Remember how much you used to like the long hair? Now, you'll be making more money at this job than you've ever made before --and boy you're going to need it because you'll conveniently ignore everything your mother ever tried to teach you about paying the balance on your credit card on time and you'll be one of those Americans swimming in debt that I was talking about before-- BUT don't sweat it, long as you keep crossing the picket line to chuck tires you'll be fine. They're even gonna make you the boss. Don't look at me like that. Being the boss ain't so bad."

Yeah. The truth is easily just as strange as fiction. Through the eyes of six years ago, the world definitely does seem to have gone to hell in a handbasket, but it would be impossible not to enjoy all of these crazy twists in my life. After four plus years of an intimate relationship I still wake up to erotic dreams of my wise and wonderful and beautiful lifemate and get all worked up and excited about my budding romance. I like to think I must be doing something right.

I dunno.

Life is funny.

LAUGH.

cry.

Have a full range of emotions.

You might as well.

Peace & Love,
-Alex